7,717,627,683 people

No, I may not physically be alone….

But mentally, there is no one in sight….

Because I’ve closed my eyes.

Anon

There are 7,717,627,683 people living on this planet at this very moment. I am just one of them…. Sometimes the world can feel so vast that it leaves us thinking of ourselves in a diminishing way.

Have you ever felt so lonely, that all the people in the world couldn’t change it. I have a couple of close friends whom I know will be there for me if I ask for it. I don’t think they realise how hard it is to reach out and ask. To constantly feel like a burden, an outsider, the strange one. I look in on their lives and I see peace and happiness and fellowship.

Everyday, I go through the motions. Making lunch, looking after my daughter, going to work, sorting the house. At night, when I don’t have those distractions, my mind starts talking to me. It tells me that I will always be alone. That I can’t have any hopes or dreams or aspirations, because they won’t come true. Besides, none of those will help to take away the loneliness.

When I left my husband. I felt lonely. I had never lived alone before. It was a scary and daunting prospect to be left to fend for myself. In the end though, I would have chosen a cardboard box over staying in that house one night longer being treated like a lesser human being, constantly downtrodden and made to feel unlovable.

The day dad died, it seems a huge part of me went with him. I have this hole where my heart should be and it’s dragging me down. I have friends around me who have offered to help. I think it’s too late. I’ve let my mind take control and now I’m stuck in this downward spiral of loneliness and depression which brings with it isolation and self loathing. In fact, it’s not a spiral at all. It’s some kind of messed up web where each thing your brain tells you to do, makes everything worse. The more negative your mind gets the more you isolate, the more you feel lonely, the more you blame yourself.

My mental health tells me that I’m not good enough. It tells me that it’s no good trying to fight, because I always lose. So for now, I’ll push everyone away, I’ll isolate myself, and I will feel the loneliest I’ve ever felt while doing it.

I need help. I fear those I love are fed up of helping. This can’t go on forever…… V