So much shit has happened today that my heart has fallen out and gone to the pits of hell.
Been missing my daughter so much while I haven’t had her this weekend and managed to spend the day with her before she went back to sleep at her dad’s. It’s sent me into another spiral.
I saw the nurse today who basically told me I might have the same heart disease that my dad died of so got that worry on my mind now.
My ex was messaging about the divorce and the types of settlement this afternoon before going on to tell me at 22.30 that he’s in a new relationship…. With the woman I thought he was having an affair with before I left….
I’m going to have to do separate blogs for each issue as I’ve written 3 blogs today on the 3 separate issues I had before 10pm.
So in this blog. I’ll address the potential affair. For 6 months before I plucked up the courage to leave, my ex talked about this work friend constantly. Suddenly started going out with his mates 4 times a week, returning home at 1am. At one point I asked him if he had feelings for her and boy I wish I hadn’t asked. I got a lot of backlash for even considering mentioning it.
So now he randomly texts me to say he’s in a relationship and it’s getting serious. I ask her name and low and behold it’s the same woman from before. My daughter has met her and she has children of her own. I was extremely understanding via txt. In reality my heart had been trodden on. Not because he was with someone else necessarily, but that he didn’t deserve to find happiness and I did.
I was checking and double checking my responses as I sent them to make sure that I didn’t say anything he would later use against me. He said my messages were very negative about my own life so took it upon himself to contact my mother asking her to check on me as he was worried. He gave her absolutely no back story at all, just said that she should contact me.
Well, my sadness turned to anger. How dare he, after all he has done and said, message my mum and make her worry like she did. She thought I was suicidal and wanted to drive over at 11pm to be with me. I was sad, I was upset, but I was safe and alive. How dare he take that choice away from me. I would have called my mum tomorrow when she wasn’t in bed. I would have cried myself to sleep. I would have woken up in the morning feeling whatever and then spoken to my mum.
See, he has a habit of doing this. Taking away my choice and my control. So I messaged him. I told him that he had no right to message my mum. I told him I was fine and that I’m not his responsibility anymore. He said he still cares about me, because I’m the mother of his daughter. He said he didn’t want to see me hurt. I really really wanted to scream at him ..’stop fucking hurting me then’. I stopped myself for a number of reasons. Firstly, I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he hurt me. Secondly, I always think before I message someone and I thought that the message might hurt him. I don’t purposely hurt people. I’m not cruel. Lastly, I don’t have the energy to give a crap anymore. It takes too much energy to fight and argue and talk. So instead. I chose to not reply, and write this blog instead.
Is it wrong that I’m angry? Angry that he was the bad person and he didn’t deserve it. I deserved to find someone. To feel loved again. To have someone there by my side. Not him. Not yet. Not her.
I’m hurting. I am downtrodden and feel defeated. But I know it won’t last forever…. At least, that’s what I tell myself…
If heartache were measurable I’d have enough for the whole world to share – V
Shrink(ing) Violet 