I went to the doctor on Monday for a health check. I was overdue one and they insisted I have one before giving me any more repeats. The nurse I saw was a straight talker. He reminded me somewhat of my ex. He said I needed to lose half my body weight. He told me that I was risking my health and asked why I wasn’t doing anything about it. So I was honest. I don’t have space to think about losing weight right now. I’m grieving for my marriage, for my father, and in some ways for the life I might have had.
On dad’s postmortem they indicated that he had ischemic heart disease and that it was a silent killer with confusing and somewhat vague symptoms, if at all any. Hence it went un diagnosed. As we don’t know the exact cause of his death, rather a list of what was wrong with his body when he passed, it’s hard to know what actually caused it.
I asked the nurse if the heart disease could be hereditary. He asked if my father was also obese. I informed him that I was my dad’s clone. We shared hayfever, obesity, allergies, late onset asthma, and no doubt if I continue I’ll have high blood pressure and cholesterol like him too.
He said that it’s likely I have it, but mainly due to my lifestyle and health, with the underlying hereditary disposition. So he’s done a full blood work and I’m waiting for the results.
Int meantime while I anxiously wait to see if I might follow in dad’s steps and die before im 60, I’m left feeling a thousand different thoughts.
I don’t want my daughter to lose me to the same thing that killed my dad. I don’t want her to have to deal with loss at the age of 30.
I need to make a serious change in lifestyle. I understand that, good results or bad, I’m killing myself with food and lack of exercise. Here’s the clincher… As with anyone fighting a mental health issue, with added tragedies in life, it’s easy to feel stretched thin by all the things I should be dealing with. I’ll list them below and I think it will become evident why I feel so overwhelmed when someone tells you that you will die early if you don’t change:
I need to:
*Sort my head out – currently doing 2 different therapies a week
*Pull money out of my arse to afford to live.
*Stop self harming before I screw up
*Stop using drugs and alcohol as a release
*Stop the suicidal thoughts- especially prevelant when driving
*Choose a career
*Get qualified for that career- around childcare, therapies and work.
*Lose weight
*Exercise
*Raise a child
* Look after a home
*Grieve for my father
* File for divorce
* Split all our assets
* Get out of debt
*Fight for child maintenance
*Keep my file up to date for when my ex takes me to court for custody *Live,breathe,eat,sleep,dream,survive,medicate,bathe,shave,hydrate,work,housework, love,forgive,pray,grieve.
When I read that list, it makes sense why my heart feels nothing. I’m just over run. When did life become so draining.
I sometimes wish I could speak to myself as a child and tell me all the things life had in store for me, to try and get me to change at an early stage instead of waiting all this time.
I wonder though if I would tell myself about all the brilliant things that have happened. All the amazing people I have in my life. Surely those people are a result of the choices I made?
So I’m trying to move forward, rightly or wrongly with the thought that I don’t want some illness to take me. I don’t want to die from obesity. I want to either choose when to die, or die at an old age. I’m making some lifestyle changes. I hope it’s for good this time.
You never know, maybe healing my body will help heal my heart and mind….
Feels like it won’t ever heal the empty spaces in my heart… I think those are here to stay. -V
Shrink(ing) Violet 