Familiarity

When the ex ramps up the vengence, it’s common to feel like you made a mistake. You see, to anyone who hasn’t been in an abusive relationship, it seems so illogical to have stayed, let alone to want to go back.

Here’s the deal… There’s a security in the familiar. We are creatures of habit and rule. When we know the rules, we know how to live by them. That’s the way an abusive relationship is. You find comfort in the familiarity of your shit existence. You know that nothing you do will be good enough and you learn to let go of who you are and who you could have been.

When you leave, there is a ray of hope, you suddenly start dreaming of a new future, where you think you might find happiness. You start to feel again, to learn new routines and new passions. Then the ex swoops in like a bad smell and penetrates every aspect of your life with threats and coersion. Suddenly you feel scared. You are in a place you have never been before. The unfamiliarity, loneliness and dropped barriers make the situation seem unbearable. If they carry on, they can break you even when you aren’t with them. You see, you can leave the house and leave the person, but the years of routine and ingrained rules stay with you. They have become a part of you. The exes voice will always be in the back of your mind, telling you that you will fail, you aren’t good enough, to just give up. Then when they intervene in reality too, it’s double the whammy. You are being battered from inside and outside your mind. All you want to do is take it all back. To run home to that familiarity, the known, the place where everything made sense. You long to be back where you knew the rules, what would happen, the pattern of the day. Not because you liked living that way, but because it was comfortable.

It leaves you feeling more torn than ever before. You are left with a hateful ex, a mind full of bruised memories and a bruised mind. Then you torture yourself some more by letting that fleeting love of familiarity creep in. You are being attacked from all angles. The worst part is that all of this makes you feel so alone. No matter who is standing with you, it makes you feel like you are the only one who understands.

After all, wouldnt you think I was insane for wanting to go back there? That I hate the unknown so much that I would crave the miserable, non existent life I once had…. V