Love conquers all?

Sometimes when I’m feeling really low, but not suicidal or have urges to self harm, I like to drive up to the hills and look out at the town I live in while the sun sets. I take music and cigarettes and call for a coffee on the way. It’s kind of a self soothing ritual I have. I haven’t actually done it for a while as I’ve been in a dark place with lots of self harm and overdoses.
I find it good to come up here alone, and I just write on my phone. I write my blogs. I just let my mind wander to a place where I feel as though I’m talking openly for the first time in a while. The only person I can be truly open to is myself. Even I’m fed up of hearing my crap! Sometimes I think there is genuinely some chemical imbalance in my brain. Why you ask? All the normal people out there, answer this…. Have you ever been sat with your child whom you love with the energy of a thousand suns and all of a sudden a thought enters your head that you should just go and crash the car next time you are by yourself. Or that next time you’re alone, you will have stocked up on tablets and have a ‘binge’. Then you come back into the room and see that little innocent face, and you feel so much guilt, guilt for actually contemplating leaving this treasure of the world. Problem is, no matter how strong the love and the guilt, it doesn’t snap those thoughts, those urges, those plans out of your head. You’re stuck with wearing the happy mum mask while inside you are tearing apart your heart for even dreaming of leaving.