Picking up the pieces

What makes a person? If we lose ourselves along the path, how do we know where we landed and how to get back?

When I look back at the distinct periods in my life, I can see an entirely different me in each one. It’s almost as if every negative experience knocks a piece out of me.

Take a jigsaw for example. Without the box, it’s impossible to see what image you are building until the pieces start coming together. Without the image that’s going to take a lot of time and effort. Now imagine that all the pieces have been used and you have an image Infront of you with large areas of space. Final step, fill in the blanks using your memory of what was once there. The catch is that you have no original image, because the depression and the experiences have taken it from you. What you are left with is an incomplete image that has no idea what it’s supposed to be. That’s what living this life is all about. Trying to find where the pieces fell and how to get them back.

I’m going to try to mind map and work out when and what was lost along the way.

My grandma died – lost an unconditional love and entered my first depressive phase.

Met some truly messed up friends- lost grip on reality. Lost trust in myself and other and lost my ability to be free.

Lost those horrible friends and found loneliness- serious depression and self harm -Struggling to fit in at a new place.

Abusive relationship- lost complete confidence, trust, and compassion for myself. Learnt to out myself last and to hate myself with a passion. Nothing I ever do is good enough. I am a fuck up.

Left relationship- found a temporary strength I never knew I had. Things were looking up, I was starting on the path to finding my lost pieces.

Dad dies- lost all sense of justice, became angry and depressed and reckless. Realised I no longer recognise myself in the mirror. I’m a shadow of the person I once was. I’ve lost all hopes, dreams, aspirations, confidence, self esteem, self assurance.

I’m not sure there’s a way to go back and find those missing pieces. I think the subconscious keeps us well away from those painful experiences and instead it takes you on a new path to find new yous. It does leave you mourning for the you that once was though.