It has been an incredibly difficult week. I think a self harm relapse has been on the cards for a while now. Everything has been building in my mind and I’ve stopped communicating with those who understand. I’ve not been getting the positive reinforcement that I need from the people around me because I’ve been avoiding them.
Sometimes I think the problem with self harm is that it never truly leaves you, and it’s an addiction. It’s a way to cope. A way to remove the millions of thoughts whizzing around your head. The only thing you can focus on for that second is the pain raging through your body. The last 3 days have been overwhelming, for reasons totally unknown to me. I’ve spent those days self harming and smoking cannabis.
Firstly I think I need to explain what disassociation is. It’s when you find it incredibly difficult to connect with things and people around you. It can last for moments or hours. If you have ever ‘gone into a trance’ and have to tried to break out of it then you get a glimpse of what I’m talking about.
Thursday was a really low point. I shared something in group counselling and as soon as I did I felt the anxiety rising. The conversation continued as I became more and more disassociated. I felt myself drift off into that dreamlike state. I lost the ability to talk. All I could do was nod my head and stare blankly into the distance. I have no idea why this happened. Half an hour passed by until the end of the group. I stood up and went to walk out of the room when the counsellor asked if I was okay. I managed a nod and headed for the restrooms. Everything feels disconnected. It feels as though you are drifting and your hands tingle. You lose that connection between your body and mind. Your body slows down and every movement seems to take an enormous mental effort.
When I came out of the toilets, my counsellor was there again. He asked if I was okay. Again I managed a nod. He knew I wasn’t right so he asked me to go into a side room for a chat. He spent the next hour trying different techniques to try to get me to connect with my surroundings. Eventually he got me to a point where I was able to function enough to get the bus home.
I was still fairly disassociated though and had to get friends to care for my daughter. I tried having a nap and felt a little more connected afterwards. A few times since then I have felt my mind wandering to that empty space and have had to put all my effort into resisting the peacefulness of it when alone.
Disassociation serves a purpose for some. It’s a coping mechanism created subconsciously in order to protect you from trauma. It keeps you safe by hiding your mind away. I’m still not sure why it happened this week. I’m not sure I want to try to find out. The answer may well be traumatic…….. V
Shrink(ing) Violet 