Some days (like today) I feel okay. By okay I mean I’m not sad, I’m not low, I’m just that happy middle ground before happiness hits. I’m proactive and I make plans with friends and family.
Life if full of uncertainty. When I’m feeling like this it gives me a headstart for when things inevitably go wrong. Plans never materialize. Friends are busy or say they aren’t then let you down last minute. On darker days, this disappointment would overwhelm me. However, on my okay days, I have a little more resilience. I’m able to rationalise that it isn’t the end of the world and move on to new plans. That’s where the darkness can creep in. It lingers on the edge looking in at my day.
If a major plan fails to materialize, it can be really hard coming up with a new one. The original may have taken a weeks planning. Then I’m stuck with nothing to do. Boredom decends and my mood starts dropping. What can I do to get out of that place?
As i sit here writing this, my big plans for the days are failing fast. There is a sense of disappointment and isolation. The problem with making plans with other people is that they are an uncontrollable participant in them. They fail to show and the plan fails. So now what? What can I do with the rest of my day. I certainly can’t face going ahead with the original plans all alone. I’m racking my brains trying to think of some way to use up this time I had set aside. I like my own company, don’t get me wrong. Just not when it wasn’t planned.
Shrink(ing) Violet 