Petition

Today I sent the divorce petition off to my ex husband’s solicitor to approve. I wasn’t bothered about the divorce but he was adamant. He didn’t want to pay and I could get it free. Ive been forced to petition on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour and I’m scared that there will be consequences for the reasons I’ve given. I had to be totally candid for the courts. I would have loved to have said the marriage broke down because we grew apart. The courts would never have accepted that. So I was forced to give 5 very honest reasons as to why a divorce is necessary. They all relate in some way to the coersion, control and abuse I’ve suffered. He has never and probably will never owned up to his behaviour. I think he is somehow oblivious to it all. To see it in black and white is going to totally piss him off.

The way I see it, he has 2 ways to react.

1. See that I’m telling the truth. Accept it to himself. Accept the petition and move on with his life. (He doesn’t have to disclose the reasons I gave)
2. Deny every word that is written. Slander me further to his family, friends and co-workers. Let the anger towards me rise ever further and become bitter and resentful.

If I know him as well as I think I know him, I think the latter will be his go to response.

So now, I’m waiting. Waiting for my life to be overhauled with stress and anxiety. Wondering what his next move will be. Waiting for the barrage of verbal and mental abuse that he so easily dishes out. I wanted to be in a stronger place when the time came to deal with this. He pushed and pushed me to get the ball rolling, so this is all happening faster that I envisioned.

I knew that the divorce was inevitable and would be difficult. I’m worried that my mental strength will be pushed further than I thought possible. The impenetrable suicidal thoughts are returning. They are getting stronger. I seem to go from one nightmare to another and I just want out. My dreams are haunted by him, by my living nightmare, by the dark thoughts in my mind. I just want to wake up and this all be a dream. Sometimes I think the only way to wake up is to go to sleep…..