I’m going to tell you a story of a girl i used to know and what she had to deal with growing up…. its not pleasant, it traumatized her.
This girl grew up in a loving family home, with her mother, father and younger brother. She had a large extended family, some of which she saw frequently. Every Saturday her immediate family, her cousins and her aunt and uncle would meet up at one of their houses and spend a few hours together.
At a young age, around 5, the girls uncle made her feel uneasy. Certain things that he would do would make her feel uncomfortable. He liked to play fight and tickle her and the other children in the family. She always ended up crying and feeling fearful after these encounters and by the age of 7 started to identify the behaviours that made her feel uneasy.
When he would play fight he would pin her down on her back, put his knees on her upper arms so she could not move them and tickle her stomach and thighs. As any child would, at first she giggled. As the tickling got closer to her inner thighs and her arms started hurting from the knees digging in them, she would cry out for him to stop and say that he was hurting her. He would laugh at first and carry on but as her voice got louder and tears fell from her eyes he would release her and say that she was being a baby. The girl would be left feeling scared, confused and ashamed while she winced at the bruises on her arms. Most of the time the other adults seemed to be laughing along with him and eventually told him to stop, although this seemed to be said in jest.
Another of his ‘behaviours’ was to grab the girls upper thigh and squeeze as tight as he could while she was crying and begging him to stop and get off. This was his ‘signature move’ with all the children of the family. No-one escaped the ‘cow bite’ as he liked to call it. Even the other adults told him not to do it. The girl would be left with bruises on her legs. Whether it was out of embarrassment or fear, she tended to laugh while begging him to stop.
As she got older, things seemed to get a little more sexual. He would make lewd comments about wanting to see her take her pants off or commenting on her blossoming breasts. He would talk about how he liked the clothes she would wear and would like to see them on the floor. Unlike the earlier abuse, this was said away from the ears of the other adults. He would always laugh afterwards which made the girl question her understanding of the comments.
Now she was older, the tickling had stopped, and the ‘cow bites’ were less frequently dealt out. She felt more at ease around him when she was in the company of the other adults. However, when it came time for her uncle to leave, she would feel the anxiety rising within her. Goodbyes were the worst. Her uncle would approach her to give a kiss goodbye, again in front of all the adults. What they didn’t see, because he hugged her in a way which hid his face, is that while kissing her, he would do something very inappropriate. He would push his tongue through her pursed lips and into her mouth and she would taste the tobacco on his breath. She would feel so dirty and ashamed and didn’t dare tell her parents what was going on. How could she, she had let things get this far….
When she was a teenager and she developed some new friendships, the girl stopped meeting up with her family on a Saturday and went out with friends instead. At family functions she would make herself scarce when it came time to say goodbye. She pushed the memories and the feelings to the pit of her soul and ‘moved on’.
For her 17th birthday her parents rented a cottage in newquay for the weekend and it was large enough for all the family. On the night of her birthday they all sat around the large dining table and played drinking games. She had a boyfriend now and a new sense of identity, she was feeling somewhat confident and her guard was down. After a few drinks, her and most of the other family members went upstairs to bed. She had a room all to herself, and unable to sleep spent some time texting her boyfriend and friends. After a while she turned the bedside lamp off and tried to get to sleep. After a short time, she heard someone coming up the stairs. Surprisingly, she saw the door open (her eyes had adjusted to the darkness) and saw a figure walk in. She heard her uncle saying something but couldn’t tell what. She felt afraid and pretended to be asleep hoping he would leave when he noticed. She heard him kneel down at the side of the bed. She felt him lift the covers and felt his hand touch her thigh. His hand tracked up her stomach and found her breasts and he caressed them while muttering something to himself. She was frozen in fear, screaming inside her head for him to leave her alone but staying completely motionless. His hand moved from her breasts and made its way down to her groin. He moved his head closer to her face and went to kiss her. It was all too much and she managed to mutter his name in a questioning tone. He instantly snapped his hand away and stood up. He made his apologies stating that he thought she was his wife and he stumbled out of the room, closing the door behind him. The girl was frozen, she didn’t know what to think, a million questions racing round her mind. Did that just happen? Did she dream it? Was he just drunk? Was he mistaken? Did she lead him on? Should she have spoken earlier? Should she have said no? All the comments and actions from the past came flooding back. She wanted to cry but no tears would come. Instead she stared silently at the ceiling until the morning light shone in through the window. Remarkably it seemed as if morning had arrived early that day. She was thankful that the nighttime hours had passed quickly.
The next morning it was time to go home and the girl was so happy to get away from him. She had managed to avoid him most of the morning and he seemed to be avoiding her too. When it came time to say goodbye, he didn’t come and find her like he used to and he left without mention. When she was safely home and her brother was in bed, she broached the subject with her parents. She was confused and ashamed so she broke the news the only way she knew how, with humor. ‘You’ll never guess what he did last night…. he came in my room and started trying to kiss me…..’ The response… ‘he was so drunk he probably got confused about which room he was in and thought you were his wife, don’t worry about it’ And with that simple comment, her soul was shattered. She couldn’t mention this to anyone. No one would believe her. Then the doubt came… ‘was she over imagining? Did she take it the wrong way? Was it her fault? Was she just being sensitive? Did she make it up? And what about those incidents from her past, were they fabricated too?
What would you say to this girl? Would you say that she was abused? Would you say that she was sexually abused?
What would i say to this girl? – Your uncle physically and sexually abused you! He used his power as an adult to groom you while you were young, so that you would question yourself. He started off with minor things and built it up gradually over your life so that you didn’t put up so many barriers. It was not your fault. You did nothing wrong and you didn’t deserve to be treated like that. The other adults in your life neglected to keep you safe from him and they reacted wrongly when you finally disclosed a small bit of your trauma. To summarise, you were abused by your uncle and it was not your fault. I feel sorry for that little girl, for all her uncle put her through, for all the doubts and questions that affect her still to this day.
Its easier to give advice than to take it. Its easier to accept what happened to someone else and assure them it wasn’t their fault.
And so, in that case, I need to say a few words about myself……….. I was physically and sexually abused by my uncle. It was not my fault and I am now safe. It happened in the past and it affects my present but acceptance is in my future.
Learning to accept and trying to stop doubting myself – Violet x
Shrink(ing) Violet 