Into the wild I was released…

I’m trying to sleep but my mind is whirring like an out of control spinning top.

Yesterday someone I haven’t known very long said 5 simple words to me – It Was Not Your Fault – but they didn’t just say the words. They looked me in the eyes, they connected with the scared little girl inside of me, and they told me with every ounce of sincerity and compassion that it was not my fault. I can still feel those words now. I can feel how releasing those words were and they have been bouncing through my thoughts ever since. I think that was the first time anybody has ever actually tried to understand, to listen attentively and have empathy for how I felt. It was the first time that my feelings towards the event were validated, I felt believed for the first time.

It Was Not Your Fault. Those words brought the release of years of pent up emotion. I am so gratefully thankful to that person for what they did that day.

However….. now comes the hard part. Someone believes me. So now, I can’t pretend that I made it up. I can’t believe anymore that it was my fault. Finally somebody has taken the heavy burden of blame off my shoulders and has placed it on my abusers. And now I’m lost…. I’m questioning…. I’m hurting…. I’m angry….

I need to try to accept what happened. I need to accept it in a way I haven’t before. I always believed that I had forgiven and moved on, but now, looking back, it feels as though I had forgiven him, because I had put the blame onto myself and that was where familiarity lived. Always blaming myself was my default setting for getting rid of all those horrible feelings. It was my fault so I deserve punishing and so I would self harm.

What am I supposed to do with this new information? My uncle sexually abused me? Really? It wasn’t my fault? Really? Now what? I’m struggling to even name my emotions right now. I’m not sure what I feel. All I know is that what I’m feeling isn’t pleasant, it isn’t familiar or known. All I can do is focus on those 5 words bouncing around my brain. I’m trying to accept them and believe them. I expect it’s going to take some time to adjust to this new feeling. 20+ years of forcing yourself to believe a lie isn’t just going to go away overnight. I suppose that’s the thing about therapy…. It’s gradual. There isn’t enough time to focus on every detail. To answer every question. So instead, they teach you to challenge your beliefs, thoughts and feelings so that the work can continue between sessions and for the rest of your life.

I feel like I’m living with a dirty little secret. I really need someone to know the details of what happened. If only so that I don’t feel so alone in the world. There’s no one. There’s too much shame to tell family, plus their responses have proven harmful. It’s not really something you talk to in detail with your friends. I’ve told you my story, but you don’t know who I am. So that dirty little secret is still just that, secret. And there I am… back to being that little girl…. The little girl with the big secret, left to carry it on her own.

It Was Not Your Fault

It Was Not My Fault – Violet x