I’m in a bad place. My thoughts are difficult to connect. There are so many of them racing round that it’s hard to pick just one. (Think of the crystal maze and the final dome sequence). Once you finally grab a thought and listen to it, and start to process it, bam, more start hitting you in the head as they whirr round like little golden tickets. So then you are just left with the feelings the thought gave you, but no time to deal with them.
I haven’t had panic attacks for years now. This week I found myself making an unscheduled walk home by myself. As I was walking I felt my breathing shallow and speed up. I felt my throat drying out and my heart thumping in my chest. My fingers started to tingle and my head started to spin. I willed myself to make it home. ‘come on, not far now and you will be there’ ‘ you’re fine there’s nothing wrong’. I managed to get the key in the door as I heard the buzzing in my head and slumped onto the couch. Darkness. I woke with a ringing in my ears. I won’t be going out without my headphones in future!
I’m not entirely sure what I’m so anxious about. I can’t really find the answer in that blustery dome of thoughts but I do know some of the thoughts that will be in there. So let’s try laying them out on the table and see what happens:
- This weeks session was heavy and left me feeling very vulnerable.
- I’ve found myself questioning my actions when I’m playing with my child.
- I’ve started worrying about the upcoming festivities and how I might handle my uncle and my mental health.
- Dad’s still dead. He won’t be there this christmas. Or any in the future.
- Dad’s dragon is dying and it brings a feeling of finality to life. It’s one more thing of dad’s that’s gone…
- I’ve tried reaching out to a few friends this week but they haven’t been able to help.
- Now that I’ve accepted that my uncle was abusive, I feel like I’ve got this massive secret eating me alive and I want to tell someone all of it. I’ve told you, but you don’t know who I really am….
- I need someone to see how vulnerable I am right now.
- I feel like I’ve become that scared little girl again. Which doesn’t make sense, because I don’t really see my uncle….
- I saw the mental health nurse this week and she talked alot about social services and how she was concerned because of the severity of the self harm
- I feel like I just want to go to sleep and be done with
- I’m worried about what to wear at Christmas as I need to have my arms covered.
- I’m worried what will happen when my counselling sessions finish.
- I’m worrying about money
- I’m worried of people seeing the real me.
- I’m worried that when my friends move to America next year that I’ll have no one to turn to.
- I’m worried
- I’m worried
Looking at that list I can see why I’m anxious. It doesn’t really help to have that list to look at, but it has temporarily slowed the wind in the dome. Maybe tonight I’ll sleep…. maybe
Trying to live not survive – violet x
Shrink(ing) Violet 