Hi, it’s me
Today marks 6 short months without you. It feels like only yesterday that you were ripped from our lives. This day 6 months ago was the toughest of my life. The night before, I had fallen asleep hopeful for the future and eager to hear you speak again. The morning brought news that would shake my world.
At 8.20 on the morning of 24th may we received a call from the Spanish doctor at the ICU. We needed to come in quickly. We ran there, every second feeling like another wasted. We passed the crematorium on the way to see you, and I prayed with all my might that we wouldn’t become visitors there. We rushed through the doors and were taken into an office where three of the friendliest Spanish doctors stood on the other side of the desk. I will never forget the conversation…..
During the night, your blood pressure had plummeted. They had tried every drug available in an attempt to raise it, to no avail. Your organs had shut down and you were dying. I asked them if there was anything else they could do. No. I asked them how long we had. Not long, hence the urgent call. I told them I would save you if they let me in. I thought prayer would save you. They told me it was not possible. Every cell inside my body felt like it was on fire. Every muscle and organ screaming that this couldn’t be happening. They led us in to say goodbye.
As we walked onto the ICU to which we had become very accustomed, nothing felt the same. The hectic, life saving feel of the ward had been replaced with a sombre silence and 20 members of staff stood at their quarters watching us like people being led to their death. Their eyes told me that they were sorry. Their body’s told me that they knew the pain we were about to endure. As we walked around the makeshift screen and saw you, my disbelief left and a strength came over me.
You were asleep again. You were very grey. After seizing your hand in mine and relishing the feel of your bear hands, I stared at the monitors. I willed them to show me a miracle. Your hands were so cold and I rubbed them and squoze them to imitate you holding my hand. I can still feel them warming up with my body heat. I prayed and worshiped and begged and pleaded. I bargained and I prayed some more to a God I believed in. We watched as your heart rate and blood pressure continued to decline. As the ventilator breathed for you I remember thinking that as long as you were breathing then you would be okay. I hugged you and kissed you. I heard the gurgling of your airway as the oxygen was forced into you. Me and mum kept connecting glances and we tried to comfort the other. Then I looked up at the monitors. Heart rate : 0
Within a mere hour you were gone. It was the quickest hour of my life.
What came next was a whirl wind. Telling our families and friends. Official checks to ensure you had died. Waiting for the funeral directors to speak with us. Arranging repatriation. Talking to insurance. Finding clothes for you to wear. Choosing your resting place. Booking flights home. All in a day.
I will never ever forget that day. That terrible horrible god forsaken day that you were taken from us.
I miss you so much. I feel like my life is going to shit and it would be so much easier if you were here. I just want a hug. You were the best at hugs and I haven’t felt one like that since I last saw you healthy. I miss you so incredibly. I’m in absolute tears trying to remember what your hugs felt like. Trying to remember what your voice was like. It’s only been 6 months and I’m scared that soon I won’t remember you at all. I’m scared about feeling okay because that means I’m okay with you not being here.
In the last 6 months I have burned and carved the pain from losing you into my body. I have attempted to take my own life and I have tried to find new ways to honour you. I need to talk to you. To tell you how much you mean to me.
In a fit of irony, your pet died today…. a bizarre event on the 6 month anniversary of your death. It brought back all those feelings of finality.
I miss you and I love you with every beat of my heart.
Daddio you will always be in my heart and mind – Violet xxxx
Shrink(ing) Violet 