Taking stock

A strange thing happened today. Last night I took some sleeping tablets and went to bed early. I awoke at 11am to my phone ringing. I ignored it as I had only just woken up. Then my phone pinged.

I saw that I had multiple messages from a close friend and a few messages and calls from other friends. They were all asking if I was okay and pleading with me to let them know I was still alive. It was so surreal.

See, in the past, when I have attempted suicide, the cavalry havnt arrived and it’s been a fairly quiet affair. My close friend was the one who found me and she made it fairly private. So to wake up to all these messages at a time when I’m not actively suicidal was odd.

Yesterday was a very lonely day and I had tried to reach out to a few people for company. No one was available. Not even my close friend. Some time after I had taken the pills and fallen asleep she had messaged me. When I didn’t reply she messaged some more and became increasingly worried that I had tried to end my life again. She had spent the entire night envisioning finding me dead in my home. My other friends had become worried when they tried to call early in the morning.

I apologised profusely and explained the situation to my friends. I authentically told them that I was not okay, but that I was not actively suicidal. A couple of friends then insisted that I spend the day with them. They realised I hadn’t been eating and said they needed to see me eat before I could go home. We all chatted about day to day stuff while we ate pizza and I felt better.

When I got home, the thoughts came creeping back and the cloud of depression sank closer to me. I began to feel trapped by thoughts of my uncle and grief for my dad. I ruminated about my ex and how his new life was. In the end I said 2words to myself…. Stop It!

This morning I had a group of people who were so concerned that I had taken my own life that they were ringing round each other and panicking at how I would be found. Yes my dad is still dead, but he would want me to be happy that I had those friends. As for my uncle and my ex, well, my life now has no room for them. My friends concern and love for me far outweighs my abusers power over me.

To my uncle – it was not my fault, and someone cares enough to believe that.

To my ex – I have people around me who love me for me, moreso than you ever did.

To my Daddio – you can rest easy knowing that I am still loved and cared for. I will love you and miss you forever, my heart will not repair, but I have good friends holding it together.

To my friends – thank you. Many people say that they care, but your actions today showed me that you really do. I love you all

Let go of people who don’t bring you joy and cling to those who do -Violet