Ho Ho Ho NO!

*Warning, if you are full of festive cheer and want to keep it that way then read something else*

Christmas has always been my favourite time of year. I love putting the tree up and shopping for presents. Getting all excited about the Christmas markets and festive coffees. I feel the magic of being with family and friends and sharing good cheer.

This year, everything has changed. For the worse. This year, I’m not making memories with my daughter and husband. I’m not snuggled up on the sofa watching the logs burn in the fire. We aren’t baking gingerbread men ready to take to family. I’m not going to see my dad. He won’t be making his Christmas Eve buffet as normal. He won’t be giving me one of his great bear hugs or asking how I feel in myself now. I will be facing my uncle with the knowledge of what happened. I’ll be watching him laugh and joke in place of my father. Christmas just hasn’t arrived. It will never be the same again, for 3 massive reasons.

I never understood those people who didn’t get holiday cheer. I used to think they were Scrooge’s. I respected their opinion but wish they would be happy at the most wonderful time of the year. Only now, I’m one of them. I hate Christmas….. I cannot wait for the whole shitty celebration to be over. All it does is remind me of my losses, of my traumas and of my heartache. So to all those I privately judged, I’m sorry. I truly am, and it took this Armageddon of a year to realise. I wince when people ask me about Christmas, I want to avoid all things festive and cheery. I’ve done some things this year for my child like seeing santa, welcoming the elf on the bloody shelf, putting decorations up. It’s all been done with a smile on my face and excitement in my voice. I wonder if my child notices the death behind my eyes. I really hope she doesn’t. So with 10 days to Christmas, my presents are wrapped, cards are written and I’ve begun the countdown. 13 more days before it’s all over, and I cannot flipping wait.

Counting down the days and hiding from festivities, fuck you Christmas – Violet