Do you ever stop to think about how what you say affects others? I’m trying to be mindful about the words I use and what the recipients might ‘hear’ instead.
See, I’ve had lots of people this year talking to me about lots of different issues. The times when I’ve felt better are usually the times when people havnt tried to fix me but have simply listened.
This weekend, I plucked up the courage to speak to family about how I wasn’t looking forward to Christmas. I told them I didn’t want to celebrate and would have cancelled if it wasn’t for my daughter. My mum said nothing and my brother told me that I have to try to make the most of it and enjoy every moment possible. I heard the words and remember them clearly. The problem is that the human brain interprets what we hear and adds it’s own agenda.
What I heard from my mother was ‘I don’t want to talk about this’ which made me think maybe she was feeling the same. Or maybe she wasn’t and just didn’t know what to say.
It was my brother’s words that have caused the most damage. I love my family so much, and they are not horrible people. What I have come to learn is that they are slightly emotionally dumb. They are like a lot of people who havnt experienced mental health problems. They say things to try and cheer you up or help you out. On one hand, there’s nothing wrong with doing that. On the other, it speaks volumes. See, what I heard was ‘you have to think of the positives, it’s not good to think of the negative’. This has lead me to some pretty self destructive thinking. Everyone is dealing with dad not being here this Christmas and I’m the only one wallowing in self pity. I need to realise other people are grieving too and that I shouldnt keep reminding them of it. If others who are going through the same grief I am can handle Christmas then what does that say about me? Am I unhinged in some way, not normal or able to function as a human. Maybe I’m just egotistical and it’s all about me me me (this blog would suggest so). I’m not quite sure why my family and I can’t have a full discussion about emotions. The conversation gets cut before anyone really has chance to talk about it.
I’m going to look at the flip side. What would have been a helpful response and what would my thoughts have been after that? I would say, I’m not looking forward to Christmas, I want it to be over. My family would have said ‘I know, it’s a difficult time at the moment and it’s understandable that you would be feeling all sorts around this time. We are here for you though and love you and want to help. Let us know if there is anything we can do. We are hurting too’. My feelings would have been so validated and I would hear that I had been understood and I was supported. I would know that I’m not the only one feeling like this and that was normal and that it was okay to not be okay. I would feel able to approach them if the festivities got too much to handle and know that I had someone who was on my side there with me at large family gatherings.
What I also noted was their assumption. Their assumption was that I didn’t want to celebrate Christmas because I was sad about dad dying. At least thats what I assume… Because no topic was actually discussed. Maybe it would have been a conversation starter if they had asked me why? One little word could have given me the strength to be totally honest with them and explain that it isn’t just the loss of dad I was dealing with this Christmas. Everything in my life has changed.
I was anxious about seeing my uncle over Christmas and thought that maybe if I told my family that I wasn’t looking forward to it then they would support me. Instead I’m facing Christmas seemingly alone, with only my fucked up thoughts to keep me company. I miss dad, I’m miss my ex, I miss my home and my life and my innocence.
Always lonely, never alone – Violet x
Shrink(ing) Violet 