Which me is me?

I’m not sure how much longer I can listen to myself. I’m fighting a constant internal battle and I don’t think I will be the victor. The more I fight the more my critic gets louder. Its like two halves of the same entity are fighting to be heard and it’s deafening and exhausting.

Its just like being in those abusive relationships all over again. The more I push them away the harder they come. With my friends, the more I rebelled against their insane reality, the more convincing the reality got. In my marriage the more I fought to be heard, the more I shrank into nothingness.

I’ve been fighting hard to get better. I’ve been pushing against the inner me that tells me I’m not good enough. The pressure of that fight is starting to show. I feel I’m losing grip on who I really am. On what parts are me and what parts are other people or other versions of me. I’m so confused.

I am not strong enough to stand up against myself. There is something wrong with me. I’m weak and worthless. I am self centered and egotistical. I am not the mother my daughter needs. She deserves so much better. I am lazy and useless. I have taken the life that I was given and I have ruined it in every way possible. I am eating myself to death. I am a whale and I don’t care enough to fix it. I am a disappointment to myself and everyone else. I should just give up, but I’m a failure at that too.

I wish so much that I wasn’t loved. I wish so much that those I love would reward me with hatred. They are the anchors that stick me to this miserable life and it doesn’t seem fair. I want out. I want out of all of it. Let them move on without me dragging them down….

Tonight, I’m too tired to fight. I’ll let the other me beat me up and crush my spirit. It’s easier to give in than it is to fight. That’s been the story of my life. Me against the world. Me against myself.

Too drained for this shit – me