Dissociation and the emergency services. It needs to change!

I’m not quite sure what to share and what not to share today.

I made this blog to help get the thoughts out of my head. I’m torn between being totally honest, sharing the darkest moments and making the blog factual in terms of living with mental illness from a less personal place.

I’ll just start typing and see what comes out. I am not well. Had my second experience of the ambulance service yesterday. It’s strange. When they are in your home, the paramedics seem to treat you terribly. They shout threats and yell. When you have an advocate speak for you in the ambulance and they explain your struggles, suddenly they soften. They treat you as an almost Human.

I dissociated for 7 hours yesterday. Unable to respond to the paramedics. My friend was told to start CPR. Which hurt. The paramedics put 2tubes up my nose into my throat. They caused trauma to my throat. I had blood pouring from my nose. I was screaming inside for them to leave me alone. My friend says I didn’t flinch or react in any way.

I’m not sure why the services seem to think it’s better to put someone in a mental health crisis through more trauma. Every time I have come into contact with emergency services it has just traumatized me further.

I’m thankful for our NHS for treating my physical injuries, but more needs to be done to help mental health. It isn’t the staffs fault, I understand that. Its a lack of funding to be able to give the staff training. Its understaffing causing stress and limited resources.

I’ve hurt those around me. I’ve traumatized them. I need to apologise but I’m just so ashamed and embarrassed I don’t know how. So I’m at a friend’s. In her spare bedroom. Hiding. Too ashamed to face the world. Too ashamed to show my face. I wish I was somewhere nobody knew me. Where nobody knew the stupid, hurtful things I had done. I don’t want to have to look into their eyes and see the hurt. I think my best option for today is to lay low, keep my head down and talking limited.

I also want to talk a little to you guys about the use of the word ‘superficial’. I have always felt inadequate. I’ve always viewed my self harm as minor, inadequate, superficial. I want the pain on the outside to match the pain on the inside. I’m just too afraid to show that pain, because it hurts. Yesterday I stepped things up from my usual. I did something pretty stupid. I thought maybe I would finally be satisfied. Here’s the deal: while I was dissociated, but everyone thought I was unconscious….. I heard alot. And those words won’t leave my brain….

‘shes breathing I don’t want to do CPR’ ‘breathing is inadequate, start CPR’

‘choose the biggest tube you can and see if that snaps her out of it’

‘its superficial’

‘she will have her child taken off her’

‘shes choosing not to respond’

‘shes obese, we can’t move her’

‘this is a recurring thing, she’ll be fine’

I was crying inside. All night long. I was screaming that I didn’t want to be there. My body shuts down and I can’t escape it. Its like being imprisoned in my own body.

It was only when I was seen by the mental health team that I felt understood. They understood dissociation and self harm and they treated me like a human being. While waiting for the home treatment team, I ‘woke up’. I had a meeting with then and was still a little groggy but was able to explain what had happened. They were satisfied that I wasn’t at risk to myself or others and I was allowed home.

I havnt had any calls from social services as threatened. I havnt had any communication what so ever. Hopefully that means they have taken it as what it was, a blip.

My mind is still not great. Lots of thoughts circling. Trauma from the experience of yesterday. But I’m with people who understand and care. So I’ll be okay for now.

I’ve ordered a medical bracelet today in the hopes of changing the treatment I get when I’m dissociated. It tells them what to do and how to get me to respond. I’m hoping that it will stop the trauma I’m out through by the services. Let’s see. – Violet x