I have written this blog over and over and over again. My mind cant make up what it wants to write about. My body tells me not to blog at all. But I want to at the same time. Time. Its not making much sense right now. I’m longing for next week when I can get back to routine and hopefully stay in the here and now a little better. I’m struggling with the clouds that depression has dragged with it. I just want to take a plane and escape this horrible weather, but then I realise the weather is inside my head, so I cant outrun it. I have tried to really focus on self care and not put any pressure on myself this weekend for not doing my coursework, or tidying the house. I’m taking time to do nothing in order to try and find something to cling onto. I’m looking for something concrete and comforting to grab onto. So far, food, TV and books have not helped. Music has made the dissociation worse by taking me off to far away lands. I usually love music as a means to escape. The problem at the moment is that I’ve escaped and I cant find my way back home. What can I find to hold me in the here and now. What can stop time slowing and quickening at the beat of my heart.
The only thing I haven’t tried is going for a walk. I love walking in the rain. Last year I found out that its one of the most therapeutic things for me. Put some music on my headphones and go for a stroll in the rain. I cant trust myself to do that today though. I’m still slightly dissociated and struggling occasionally with derealisation. I dont want to put myself in harms way, so its safer I stay home.
Sleep is also pretty good for my body to reset itself. I slept for 12 hours last night and woke up this morning feeling robotic. I felt like I was seeing through my eyes but not in control of what my body was doing. I watched myself as I smoked, as I made a drink and put the TV on. I didn’t feel any of it. So now, I’m a little scared to sleep again.
I will find my way back to the light. I always have. For now I just have to learn to live in the dark unknown until I wake to the familiar sensation of apathy. – Violet x
Shrink(ing) Violet 