Often, isolation comes hand in hand with depression. Isolation can be the cause of depression or a symptom.
Depression is a liar. It tricks you into believing lies to make you isolate yourself. The last couple of weeks, I have been going out the bare minimum. Only venturing out of the door for the school run or appointments. It’s not because of covid. It’s because my depression has been lying to me. The issue is, it’s taken me til now to realise they are lies. Depression is clever like that, it tells you so subtly, it sneaks in so slowly that you think they are truths that you hold, but they aren’t.
My depression has been taking every comment or body language made by my friends and family and using them against me to make me think that they don’t want me around. Its been telling me that people don’t like to be around me, that I’m a burden and a killjoy. I’ve been feeling more and more alone, even when I was still going out. My depression tells me that I don’t belong, that I don’t fit in, I’m weird and different and everyone can see it. It tells me that they tolerate my company because they pity my sad sorry state.
For a couple of weeks I believed this. I stopped meeting up with friends. Stopped messaging. Told my gp I was better, had fairly positive counselling sessions. I was fed up of being seen as the depressive by everyone. It was hard to keep up the act so I reduced my contact. Where ever I had commitments I went with a smile. I tried to be as normal as possible. I stopped blogging, stopped posting on Instagram. Why? I was hiding from the truth. The truth that yes, my mood is dipping.
I recognise that now. I know what I need to do. I need to get out of the house, socialise, reach out, stop isolating……. Hello corona. Perfect timing. I self isolate through depression for 2 weeks and now you make self isolation the mandatory thing to do just as I’m willing to escape my cell. Halle bloody lujah! I know everybody is probably feeling rubbish right now. Whether that’s through anxiety, financial worry, health worry or depression. It’s a massive thing that the world is going through right now. I understand the importance of self isolating to stop the spread. I will follow the advice given to us all.
I’ve been wondering today, whether the government will put covid-19 as the reason for death if someone takes their own life through isolation. Given that the number 1 worst thing to do when you suffer with depression is isolating yourself, I’m wondering whether it would be fair to simply write, Suicide. There is no doubt in my mind that people will die as a result of corona virus, without actually dying from the symptoms themselves. Whether that be a heart attack brought about through excessive anxiety. A death caused by too much alcohol. A suicide through worsening mental health. A death through malnutrition as a result of financial hardship. I know these may sound like extreme deaths, but as everyone is highlighting daily, these are unprecedented times. Suicide is not unprecedented. So it would make sense that these numbers would go up surely.
Social groups, offices, doctors surgeries, therapy and churches have closed their doors. Soon the schools will have to close. Everyone will be self isolating. In France they are fining people who are in public without good reason.
Would I rather take my chances with covid-19 or dance the tango with depression? Neither sounds pleasant but at least one will be understood by others. There’s nothing I can do. The situation is out of our hands. All we can do is try to look after ourselves the best we can.
The government says we have to act like we are in times of war. Please, I’ve been at war with myself my entire life….. Take care and keep safe – Violet xx
Shrink(ing) Violet 