Once you have known the pain of a deep loss, I think it becomes easier to access it. Any future losses feel harder, the pain feels more accessible. It’s somewhere you have ventured before. It’s like trying to navigate to an old friends house. Somewhere you vaguely remember, until you drive closer and things become familiar. The streets bring back memories and soon you are filled with feelings not only from the now situation, but also from the then experience. You make your way to the house but this time, you aren’t the same person. You’ve been here before, and it doesn’t bring good memories. Loss stabs you in the heart. Loss after a loss, stabs you twice. Each heartbreak reminds you of previous heartbreaks.
Only those who have known great loss, can appreciate how easily it can arrive. You learn what really matters in the world. You learn what your priorities really are. Some choose to grab their loved ones close and never let them go. Others distance themselves in an effort to reduce the eventual heartbreak when they die.
This week we had another family funeral. As much as I was trying to be in the moment and remember her, I kept flashing back to the blur of dad’s funeral. When the conductor got out of the hearse and it was the same man who led dad’s procession, I was transported back in time. My heart sunk deeper and my eyes welled up with tears. Certain points throughout the day were such a mirror of dad’s day. I wasn’t just mourning the loss of my cousin, I was mourning the loss of my dad again.
Lately, I feel completely bereft. I’m feeling the emptiness my father left more intensely. I’m feeling the loss that my divorce is bringing as it reaches is finality. I’m feeling the loss of my counsellor as we take a break. I’m feeling the loss of friends as they self isolate. Lots of people will be feeling loss right now. Covid has stripped us of a fundamental necessity and some won’t make it. People may laugh, but it’s serious, people die from loneliness.
I’m trying to reach out by messaging friends. I’ve been disappointed time and again at the lack of replies. I’ve come to the conclusion, which I’ve arrived at numerous times in my life, that I am a bad person. I try to be kind, I think I’m caring and thoughtful, I try to put others first. Over and over the story of my life has been me reaching out to others. It’s never the other way round. People just don’t value me. So I don’t value myself.
I feel abandoned. It seems everyone else is counting down the days til covid has gone so they can meet up with their friends. Is it wrong that I’m dreading it? That’s when I will know for sure that people have realised they don’t need me in their lives. I can’t be useful to anyone no matter how hard I try to be. Everyone is locked away. I understand the physical lockdown. It’s the virtual and the emotional lockdown that’s killing me.
I’m trying to stay positive. I’m trying to fight that oppressive voice in my head. I’ve dressed my thoughts up as funny characters, but they aren’t funny anymore. They won’t go away. The more I listen to them, the less I reach out. I don’t want to embarrass myself by pestering people who don’t want me.
I’m still the same, I’m still nothing, I’m still nobody. My demons will never give up, they thrive off hopes and dreams. – Violet xx
Shrink(ing) Violet 