At war with myself because of you

My entire life, I’ve been told that I’m the problem.
* I was just being oversensitive to my uncles affection.
* If I just believed what my friends said instead of fighting against it then they wouldn’t have to hurt me.
* I failed college because I was too busy having a good time. (I was suicidal–think that had a lot to do with it)
* I wasn’t ambitious enough to get good grades or a good career.
* It was my fault that my boyfriend was in debt.
* It was my fault that our relationship was rocky.
* It was my fault my daughter had a complicated birth.
* I was the one who made my husband unhappy.
* I pushed him into the arms of another woman.
* I chose to be depressed.
* I abandoned my husband and crushed him.
* It’s my fault he is in debt.

Going through 30 years being told that you are the problem makes you believe you are the problem. So you believe that it was all your fault. You become your own oppressor and your inner voice does their work for them.

* It’s my fault my daughter is sad.
* It’s my fault I don’t have a career.
* I choose to be depressed.
* It’s my fault dad died. I’m being punished.
* If I hadn’t got divorced…..
* If I hadn’t flown over to try to help…
* I didn’t pray hard enough….
* I didn’t have enough faith….
* I should have been grateful for all my husband did for me.
* I should have realised he gave me a life of luxury.
* It’s my fault that bad things happen.

For the last 6 months, I’ve been working on these inner critics. I’ve been fighting against the narrative that was given to me, that it is my fault. I’ve been challenging my own self critic, who mimics the words I’ve heard loved ones tell me over and over again. I thought I had a handle on it. It was going so well. Then lockdown hit.

I know everyone’s mental health will be affected. I’ve been isolated for about 2 weeks so far, due to friends being in self-isolation. I thought my depression was fairly stable.

I’ve been having thoughts that tell me not to message or ring people. Thoughts that I have to isolate myself entirely, even online. I have been hearing those words over and over again, nobody cares, you don’t even care. This is the end, all those friendships you worked so hard on are over. Once the lockdown is over, people won’t want you back in their lives. All you do is bring sadness and drama to them, why would anyone want that?

So, maybe, after all these years, they were right. I am the problem….

Surely people would actually want to be around me if:
* My brain wasn’t wired wrong.
* I were a little less outspoken.
* or a little more outspoken.
* If I were thinner.
* If I was prettier.
* If I was cooler.
* If I was stable.
* If I wasn’t so needy.
* If I was more confident.
* If I put others first.
* If I counted my blessings.
* If I wasn’t so sensitive.
* If I were just a different person.

The current situation of the world, has resigned me to the belief that life as I knew it is over. I can’t go to college, so my grades will start slipping, and I will fail my course. That will be my fault. My friends will realise they are better off without me, because I’m an oversharer who is depressive. So, I’ll lose all my friends, which will be my fault, because the problem is me.

I’m in a constant battle with myself about what my beliefs are. One moment I believe wholeheartedly that I am a shit person who deserves shit things and everything negative that happens in my life is my fault. The next moment, I get a tiny niggle that says, but what if its not about you? What if its other people? Not everything can be your fault surely? It’s a small interruption, but it’s there. It needs to get bigger and it needs to be more believable. Maybe I just need to believe in myself more.

Sorry I’ve not been posting much over the past weeks. Believe me when I say, it’s not you, it’s me! – Violet x