I thought this lock down would provide me with plenty of time to catch up on college work. Remember the time I said that the universe seems to throw hurdles in the way, well, its back at it again.
Ive struggled for the last few days to muster any kind of motivation to do my assignments. Ive just not been feeling great, low mood, lots of anxiety and self harm. I have been focusing on getting through the day, allowing myself to be unproductive.
Today I woke up, still feeling low in mood, but feeling that I needed to tackle an assignment and regain that sense of direction and purpose. I started on a pretty good footing, then the solicitor called to chase up some paperwork. She had sent me some forms last week to complete which would be sent to the courts to finalise the divorce. I hadn’t filled them in. Every time I picked them up my anxiety would reach a point that the words just didn’t make any sense to me. She talked me through the forms and I completed them whilst she was on the phone. She answered a few questions and off she went. So the papers are signed and in the envelope. Now I just need to find the strength to actually post them…
So, back to my assignment, when… my ex gets in touch. He wants to sell the house. He needs my permission to do so as I’m still on the mortgage for now. We have a discussion and I air my concerns. He promises the earth, as per usual. I agree, tell him, okay, do what you need to but I dont want to deal with it.
Phew, back to my assignment, I’m pretty impressed with myself for sticking with it after all these interruptions. Another call, from the estate agents… They need me to sign a contract as I’m still on the mortgage. Okay, send it over. The email comes through and it says that by signing, I am liable for the fees. Hold up. This wasn’t part of the deal. I ask her to send one that says I’m not liable, but she can’t, that’s the only one available. I contact my ex and tell him I dont want to sign. He emails telling me that he will pay all fees and do all the work with the estate agents. He just needs a signature from me to proceed and he would pay all fees. I feel uneasy as he is the king at screwing me over, but I want peace and I want to get on with my work, while I still feel able. I agree and go to sign the document. I notice that the house is being put on the market for 15 grand more than my ex told me. I agreed to give him the house as he told me it would make a loss or break even….. I’m angry, but I’m too damned tired to take this shit, he can have everything, i just want rid. I sign the contract.
Okay, back to the assignment, I can do this, I’m focused, I’ve dealt with everything that needs to be sorted for today. No more distractions finally. Hold up, there goes the phone. Again. Its the social worker, the one that I thought closed the case a month ago. Shes checking in to make sure I’m okay. She assures me that nobody has reported a concern, but with the current climate she wanted to keep the file open and check in on me. Shes happy with how things have been for the last few weeks but shes concerned my mood is dropping due to isolation. She tells me to phone her if I need anything. That’s genuinely nice of her and I thank her for checking in. She reiterates again, that no one has any concerns, no one has contacted her, she just knows that my mental health will be affected. I told her that yes, it was affected but I was okay and my daughter was safe. She tells me she will call again next week and to go to see friends if I’m getting real low.
How. How am I going to go see friends? We cant meet up. We’ve seen each other briefly from the end of the driveway during our state approved walk of the day. We’ve had a ten minute chat before moving on, I’ve spoken through the windows. But, how am I expected to shout from the end of the driveway “hey, I’m feeling real shit right now and I’m self harming everyday.” I’m not going to do that in public, and I’m not going to do that over text either. There is no point telling anyone right now, because no one can do a damned thing about it.
Morning motivation for assignment was high, afternoon it significantly lowered. Now, fuck it, I cant be arsed, the whole world has gone to shit anyway so it wont be worth a damned thing in the long run.
Thanks universe for making my one okay day of the week full of stress and aggravation, fuck you! – V
Shrink(ing) Violet 