He told me today that he was surprised that I stayed in an abusive relationship for so long. He said he thought I was stronger than that. That I would have spoken up sooner. Of course I put him in his place about the nature of abusive relationships, and I educated him on the reasons why women stay.
What really messed with my mind is that fact that he said it. The uncle. The one who did those inappropriate things to me. It sent my mind into a spiral. Had he forgotten what a meek and mild child I was? Had he forgotten that he once abused me? Was he saying these things to wind me up, to get in my head? Is he oblivious to the pain he caused me? Did he not see it as abuse?
It’s led me into that same place where I’m questioning myself again. A simple statement and I’m analysing all my memories. Decrypting the feelings going on inside my broken body. Did I make it up? Did he not make the connection between his abuse and domestic abuse? I’m so confused. I am so exhausted with not being confident about my reality. I’m so easily swayed by the statements my abusers make.
It just solidifies the fact that I can’t tell anyone about this other than my counsellor. If I’m not sure it happened then I shouldn’t do anything about it. After the therapy I had which really helped, I’m no longer afraid of him (though I still get that knot in my stomach when it’s time to say goodbye and give him a hug and a kiss on the cheek). Most of the time I don’t doubt what happened and I’m not made to confront it. But when statements like that come out of his mouth, they have so much more power, because now I’m wondering how he sees it, how he remembers it. It makes me question everything all over again.
Will these feelings ever go away? Violet xx
Shrink(ing) Violet 