Abandoned

That’s how I feel right now. It’s the story of my life. People either abandon me or treat me so badly that I have to escape.

My family, though remaining physically close, abandoned me emotionally so many times that I can’t be myself around them. I can’t turn to them anymore when I need support.

My friends, never seem to stay very long. I’m not sure why. Is it something wrong with me? Am I boring? Or trouble? Or complicated? Maybe I don’t invest enough time? Maybe I’m too full on? I really can’t work it out. The only friends I have felt a real relationship, one where I can be completely authentic, are emigrating later this year. Its good for them. I’m happy for them. It doesn’t stop the feelings of abandonment.

The professionals in my life who have made a difference have vanished. One of them, I’m hoping to reconnect when time allows. The mental health nurse who I had a good relationship with, who promised to call me every week while I wait to reconnect with my therapist, didn’t call at our alloted time. When I called the surgery to enquire about her, I was told she no longer works there.

It seems I now have no one to talk to about my struggles. There is nobody consistent. I could ring a helpline but they don’t know me. They aren’t there to help me get better, they are just there to attempt to stop me doing something permanent to myself.

Ive always felt a loneliness, a disconnect from others. Though I’m starting to realise its not so much a loneliness, as it is a fear of abandonment. The people I need to stay, leave. The people who hurt me, stay. Until I can’t take anymore and walk away to save myself.

I’m scared to let people into my life now. Constantly questioning what’s wrong with me that makes people leave. Constantly fearful of the impending rejection I will inevitably feel.

Sometimes, I wish I could abandon myself. I wish I could run far away from my mind. Escape the never ending turmoil of questioning, analysing, evaluating myself and others. Just run away to a far off land inside my mind where feelings are irrelevant, emotions unfelt. A world where I am content with feeling nothing, doing nothing, having nothing and nobody. Sometimes, I think this place exists in the real world, through therapy, through finding and loving myself. Other times, I’m convinced that this place only exists in the realm of the dead. That only death can save me from caring too much, feeling too much, can make it all stop.

I will hang on for a little longer, in the hopes that in a few months, one of the consistently caring people from my life come back. If not, then I’m not sure what I’ll do. I need to find someone in the dark. Preferably myself. – Violet xx