We are all living in this new world of Covid. A life in which, for some, time has no meaning, days come and go, the world feels muted.
Depersonalisation and derealisation, for me at least, feels alot like this. I wake in the morning not knowing what day it is, or month. I wake and immediately start processing my surroundings. Who am I? Where am I? I have to consciously let go of the dream world that felt so real and convince myself that this is my reality, here and now. I stumble to the bathroom and look in the mirror to remind myself of what I look like and who I am. I check the calendar to work out what day and date it is. I check the news to reacquaint myself with the realities of this life. On bad days, I message friends to get confirmation of the truths of my life, or the dreams I felt were reality.
Whilst derealisation is of course, being a mental illness, different from ‘covid life’,it has its similarities. Have you lost track of time? Have the days merged into months? Have you suddenly had the realisation that there are leaves on the ground, that it is in fact autumn. Did these changes seem to come out of nowhere? Happen overnight? That’s very much how my life feels.
The lack of routine and social connections has led to my symptoms increasing. It has also, inevitably, made me sink into a deeper depression.
I’m sure I am not alone when I wish for the end of covid and the restrictions that accompany it. For the days when not knowing who I am, or what is real, feel a little more tolerable.
I’m possibly not making any sense. That’s another thing with derealisation… The sense of brain fog, of confusion. The sense that your thoughts are scattered and you struggle to keep on track.
Wherever and whoever you are, I hope that you are coping well, and that you make it to the end of this strangest of times.
Love and confusion, Violet x
Shrink(ing) Violet 