He told me today that he was surprised that I stayed in an abusive relationship for so long. He said he thought I was stronger than that. That I would have spoken up sooner. Of course I put him in his place about the nature of abusive relationships, and I educated him on the reasons …
Tag Archives: Memories
Help me…
I don’t know how much longer I can hold on for. How much longer I can fight the demon inside my head. The last few weeks I have been plagued by images of my dad in that hospital bed. How long will this keep happening? How many more times do I have to relive those …
The angry side of grief
Warning. This contains profanities for which I’m not apologetic. It’s been a year.One really long, short year. A year I didn’t think I would survive. A year I didn’t want to survive. The last 24th of May, I was in benidorm, in a whirlwind of emotion, caught in the grips of sudden grief. I can …
I don’t want to stop writing ;
I don’t want to stop writing. It’s an outlet for expression that has served me greatly in the last year. I’m able to articulate my feelings and thoughts in a way I simply can’t do out loud. It helps me find some perspective and gives meaning to the feelings I’m having. I don’t want to …
Please come home…
I watched a film today, about a boy who got separated from his family. He spent years tracking down his mother when he was older. It was a lovely film, called Lion. Why am I talking about films you ask?It made me realise something. Something that I’m not sure many people would say out loud. …
What’s real?
When will the nightmares end? Every night I am plagued by the most heart wrenching dreams. They are so real that in the morning I have to check certain things to convince myself they aren’t real. Nightmares are just another way the inner critic tries to convince us that we are no good. That everything …
Dear friends…
Please don’t give up on me. When the world is healed and all this lockdown and isolation is over, I’m going to find it hard to step out of my cave and face the world again. I’m going to have to learn to socialise again. My depression will be feeding me lies continuously that you …
At war with myself because of you
My entire life, I’ve been told that I’m the problem.* I was just being oversensitive to my uncles affection. * If I just believed what my friends said instead of fighting against it then they wouldn’t have to hurt me. * I failed college because I was too busy having a good time. (I was …
Grief, loss and isolation
Once you have known the pain of a deep loss, I think it becomes easier to access it. Any future losses feel harder, the pain feels more accessible. It’s somewhere you have ventured before. It’s like trying to navigate to an old friends house. Somewhere you vaguely remember, until you drive closer and things become …
Emotionally numb
I think I’m broken. My cousin died on saturday morning, I helped my abusive uncle deal with suicidal thoughts, and I’m just not feeling anything. I’m calm while everyone around me is devastated. I’m not sure if it’s the increased medication that’s numbing my feelings or if I’ve taken myself away to that space where …
Shrink(ing) Violet 
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