New me

I’m in a state I’ve never been in before… I’m not quite sure who I am.

I don’t feel anything. No fear, no sadness, no joy. I don’t notice the passing of time or the feelings of hunger. It’s like I’m stuck in a place and time.

Something really strange happened on Christmas Eve. We set off to my brother’s for the party where I would meet my uncle for the first time since realising what happened all those years ago. I was so nervous in the car I felt like I was going to throw up. I walked into my brother’s house and I wasn’t scared. Not one bit. I was confident and happy. I was making jokes and having good conversations. At the end of the night my uncle was very drunk and started swearing at us all. He called me a dickhead and told me I was ‘soggy’ whatever that means. I told him he was drunk and he needed to go home. He carried on swearing and trying to put me down but he was so drunk he couldn’t form a sentence. I just changed the subject and moved the attention away from him. He fell asleep.

When I saw him on Christmas day he barely spoke to me. I remember looking at him and thinking what a frail old man he looked. He wasn’t the strong evil man I remember.

On boxing Day we had a meal and when it came time to leave he said ‘oh I realised I havnt kissed you yet’. A pang of fear struck me and then I felt powerful. I leant forward and he kissed me on the cheek.

This was not how I expected Christmas to go. I’ve been so worried for months and it turns out I needn’t have been.

I’m a fake. I feel like I really did make all that up. How can this poor meek man have done any of that to me.

I feel different though. I feel like a different person. I don’t recognise the person in the mirror. I feel almost dissociated. There’s this feeling of contentment but it’s underlined with a sinking feeling. My mind isn’t thinking. It’s blank. I can’t find any feelings when I look for them.

Am I better? Have I somehow in 1 split second become a fixed version of me? This is all unknown and unexpected. I’m sorry for wasting your time.

Fixed? – Violet