I don’t deserve the sunshine’s rays…

It’s 2.30am and I just cannot get to sleep!

I’ve been doing really well since Christmas. I’ve only had one self harm relapse and it was only a baby cut. Today I’m having a bit of a wobble. I’ve seen it coming for a couple of days but held myself together.

On Wednesday I saw my counsellor and had the best session. I felt like a new person. For the first time I remember thinking that this might be it. The therapist that finally manages to fix me. I’ve made more progress in the months I’ve been seeing him than I have in the last 14 years with 5 counsellors.

Then life happened. Its like the universe knows that I’m feeling good so it throws enemies at me to bring me down. Immediately after leaving the building I got a message from my ex. What ensued was a 5 hour power struggle. I started off strong as I was feeling confident. By the end of the argument, I had taken up my usual position as doormat. I let him walk right over me again. He trampled my spirit and crushed my confidence. I cried for the first time in weeks. I felt so defeated. I feel like I’ll be stuck in this controlling relationship forever. It’s almost been a year since I left and he has got a whole new family and life now, but still he seems to live to control me.

When the argument was over I was feeling so many emotions and thoughts were racing through my head. They are still there now. That’s why I can’t sleep. I’ll share some of them: Im letting my daughter down because I can’t provide for her on my own. I hope she doesn’t blame me when she’s older. I’m pathetic and useless. I’m weak and can’t even stand up for my daughter’s rights. I should never have left then I wouldn’t be dealing with this issue.

Then when I got home, the boiler had broken, so I spent the last 2 days doing everything I could to make sure my daughter was warm. I hope she doesn’t tell her dad how cold it was… He already says I’m a bad mother. I’ve failed her yet again.

She went to her dad’s on Friday for her weekend stay which was good timing as the boiler won’t be fixed til Monday at the earliest. Tonight I was hit by a wave of loss. When my daughter goes to her father’s for the weekend I miss her terribly and cry often. Its not just the fact I miss her, but the fact I blame myself for changing our lives and having to share time with her. I often selfishly wish that he was a rubbish dad who wanted nothing to do with her so I could see her all the time. I know that it’s a great thing that she sees her dad as much as she sees me but it still feels like a knife in the heart when she leaves. I often wonder what life would have been like if I had ‘put up and shut up’. I would be able to see my daughter everyday and read her bedtime story and give her cuddles everynight. Times like these make me question whether I did the right thing. The right thing for any of us; for her, for me, for him…. Over time, I became what he told me I was. All it takes is one word from him and I’m back to that lesser person I was for all those years.

I am so exhausted. There are so many thoughts about every aspect of life whizzing round in my brain that I’m back in that crystal fucking maze again!

Maybe it would have been better for everyone if I had succeeded that day when he left me alone in the house and told me to kill myself. If only I hadn’t been so stupid as to be afraid of what he might do to me if he found me dead… I wish I had tied it tighter. Then skyla could live with her dad and I wouldn’t have to be dealing with life.

Hello darkness my old friend. I don’t deserve life. I should never have left – violet x