How bad is bad enough? An insight to baby cut syndrome.

I caved. I gave in to my current greatest urge last night. I just needed to stop the constant thoughts spiraling in my head. I figured if I just do it then it will quieten down.

I decided at around 4pm that I was going to do it. I dropped my daughter off with her dad. I made arrangements with friends to have her the next day if I needed them to. It was a risky new form of self harm I’ve never done before and I had to plan incase I ended up in hospital. Obviously I didn’t tell my friends why, I made excuses.

I went shopping and bought first aid supplies I thought I might need. I got hold of some weed in order to numb my body so I could harm more severely without pain.

Please note, the intention was not life ending. As soon as I had everything in place I felt the anxiety lessen. I drank some alcohol and smoked a bowl. I packed a bag with cigarettes and chargers incase I had to go somewhere for first aid. Then I went and I did it.

It taught me alot. Firstly, flames are unpredictable. They are also relatively useless for myself as a self harm outlet. I was left feeling disappointed by the lack of injury and the lack of pain.

I thought that if I did it then the thought would go away. I was right. That intrusive thought to carry out that specific injury melted into nothingness. I had obeyed and my anxiety was settled. Then came the thoughts that I had failed. So I went to bed early. Not to sleep, but to harm myself some more. I spent hours punishing myself in the usual way for my failure.

I struggle alot with the thought that my self harm isn’t serious enough. Its another thing for me to fail at. Its known in the mental health community as baby cut syndrome. No matter how you harm yourself, whether its surface scratches, hitting, burning, substance misuse or ligatures, all forms of self harm are just. Self harm is just that. Self harm. The depression and the anxiety tell you that it’s not good enough, it’s not deep enough, big enough, not enough. I know it’s a lie. I know that it doesn’t have to leave physical scars to be classed as self harm. But my mind compares myself to everyone. It forces me to search online for self harm injuries and to belittle my acts of self harm as pathetic.

There is a part of me that doesn’t want to harm myself anymore. Then there’s the part of me that needs to do it deeper, longer, more, in different ways.

I feel like unless I end up in hospital from self harm then it’s just not serious enough for me to need to stop. Its an addiction.

The more I try to focus on the fact that any act is harmful, the more my anxiety and depression pushes me to new creative heights. Its a cycle I’m trying to break free from. Its an ongoing battle – Violet