365

I’ve taken a little hiatus lately. Life has been very different, not being able to live in my house or be on my own. I’ve had appointment after appointment for various things. I’ve been so busy with making it through each day that my mind hasn’t had time to be creative.

Anyhow, lately, i’m starting to hear the voice of my critic in a slightly different way. I can’t say that I’m fighting it full force, but I’m starting to gain a voice. I’m interrupting the critic with a ‘but’. I’ve never been able to do this before. This time I have to, or I won’t make it out alive.

My inner critic loves to take any shred of positivity, any hint of a future or a goal, and batter me into the ground with insults and anxiety. For years, much like in my marriage, I’ve sat and listened and slowly believed.

Today marks 365 days since I made the difficult decision to walk out of my home, my abusive marriage, financial security and occasional love. It took courage to do that. It took a giant leap of faith from me to step into the giant unknown and face a life of complete uncertainty. But I did it. Because I could no longer live that life. Rather ironically, over the last few weeks I’ve had to make that decision again. Not in the physical sense of leaving my old life, but in the mental sense that I am FED UP of living a life that means nothing. It’s going to take courage that I doubt I have, to stand into the unknown. I’ve shown that I possess the courage before though, and so I’m certain I can show it again. So slowly but surely, I’m fighting. Again. This time, I can’t sit back and let someone else or me affect the life I’m able to live.

It starts with an interruption:

Me: I’d like to get this qualification.
My critic: ha ha your useless, you’ll fail.
Me: BUT………..what if I don’t??

Me: I hope I’m a good person. My critic: No way, you destroy lives. Me: BUT…………..other people say I’m good……

I have survived the last year of my life. The worst year of my life. I don’t want to be sat here in a years time saying I’ve survived another. I want to be shouting from the rooftops that I’m thriving. That I’m living a life with purpose, meaning and self worth.

I’ve learnt this year that a single day can change your life beyond recognition. Imagine what I could do with 365 of them… – Violet x