Grief is the one thing that will never ever leave you.

Losing someone you love changes you forever. Grief isn’t something you can get over. In fact, it’s one of the things that will never ever leave you. Friends come and go, society changes, careers start and end, but your grief is there through it all. There will always be a before and after. That’s how you will describe your life now. Before my dad died, I took for granted the love we had. After he died, my world collapsed and I knew that I would never be the same person again.

This week I have been thinking about dad a lot more than in recent times. Flashbacks to the time he was in hospital have been flooring me. I have been wracking my mind trying to work out what the last conversation we had was. I can’t remember, because I didn’t think I was going to need to remember that conversation.

Anxiety has been high this week and with that comes breathing difficulties. I feel like I forget to breathe and have to consciously inhale as I feel that I am suffocating. This triggers flashbacks to my dad and what happened to cause his death, which in turn, increases the anxiety. It has felt like a torrent of triggers and trauma this week.

This afternoon I had a call from my mum to say that a close cousin had a medical emergency and is in an induced coma. I sat strong and stoic reassuring my mum. Asking her if she was struggling with thoughts of dad and whether she was okay to be on her own. I asked if there was anything at all I could do to help the family. I gathered a group of friends to pray for my family and my cousin, even though my faith has been deminished by the unanswered prayers of last year. I listened to her sob on the end of the line, telling her that it was okay to be sad and that I understood how she felt when she couldn’t get the words out through the tears.

I haven’t cried. I’ve taken up position as the strong and courageous one. On the outside at least. In reality, I feel overwhelmed by my thoughts and anxiety. I have so many what ifs and whys going through my mind. Awareness of all the feelings, thoughts, memories and trauma of my dad are flooding my mind. We can’t lose another family member in this sudden traumatic way. I can’t face another funeral, not yet. I hate to say it, and I hope with all my heart it doesn’t happen, but I don’t think my cousin is going to survive. Im not being cynical or morbid, I just don’t believe in hope when something like this happens anymore. It’s easier in the long run to not have hope to begin with than face the pain of having it shattered in the future.

I’ve started blaming myself again for all the things I’ve said or not said and how my actions may have started this whole series of unfortunate events in my family’s life. I wonder if it will be up to me to complete a eulogy again. I can’t. I just can’t.

I’m struggling to live in the here and now when I am plagued by memories of last year and worries about the near future. Seriously, when will the crap show end? – Violet x