Two wrongs don’t make a right?

What am I? Am I a good person? Am I a doormat? Do I have any self respect whatsoever? Where is my backbone? Where is my head at?

My cousin died in the early hours of the morning. The family are naturally devastated. I had removed myself from my emotions in preparation so I’m actually doing fairly well. I got a call this morning from my mum. She was ringing to give me the news, and to tell me that she was worried about my uncle. He had been in a terrible state since the death and had been saying he wanted to die. He was begging his family to let him die and it was further traumatising the family.  They were yelling at him to stop being selfish and to get a grip. The way I heard they had reacted to this perfectly normal grieving process didn’t surprise me.  It sadenned me, that another family member was going to be emotionally let down by his family because they couldn’t handle his emotion. Without hesitation I said I would drive over and talk to him, and them. I told everyone to stop shouting at him immediately.

When I got there he had fallen asleep and I spoke to the family. I told them that whilst I understand that it’s hurting them, he is allowing himself to grieve. My aunt said that she wasn’t able to grieve because she was too busy being strong for my uncle. My other cousins had told him that he was being selfish and pathetic. My heart crumbled. I told them straight, the only one who is doing the work to get over this tragedy is my uncle. He is allowing himself to grieve in whatever way he needs to. Everyone else is doing what I did. Shutting off, staying strong, supporting others.

Fuck that.  I challenged every single person when they said a statement that praised stoicism and staying strong. I laid it out straight for them…. This is the worst day of your lives. If ever there was a time to completely lose the plot and self destruct, then it’s a pretty reasonable time to do so. They were bereating him for wanting to die. Why wouldn’t he want to die? He just watched his daughter die. Its fucking tragic. Of course he wants to die so he can see her again.

I stood up for him when he couldn’t do it himself. I sat him down, I told him that it was perfectly okay to be devastated and not know what to do. I told him I was concerned about his mental health and that he might need to see someone. I gave him a couple of options of what I could do for him and what they would involve. He finally, tearfully agreed that I could call 111 and get him an emergency assessment.

I called them, I advocated for him. I got him the appointment. I drove him to the hospital. I went in the consultation with him and helped him explain what was happening when he couldn’t find the words. I hugged him as he sobbed. Together we came up with a plan that meant he could go home and be with family, have some medication to help quiet his thoughts and help him sleep, and a way to reduce suicide risk. I collected his prescription and passed on all the details of medication, plan and on call team information. I got him home and gave him his medication. Within 30 minutes he was happily relaxing and the anguished look had fallen from his face. The pain had reduced, he could bare to breathe again. With my job done, I hugged everyone goodbye, told them not to hold back feelings or words and went home to resume my normal life.

Now, I’m the one with the whirring mind. Not that anyone will know it because my mouth is tightly sealed. You see, the uncle that so desperately wanted to die today, the uncle who I spent all day advocating for and getting help for, is THAT uncle.

I’m not sure what to make of it. Have I forgotten all of that shit he put me through? I remember hugging him as he cried and silently, secretly thinking to myself ‘why couldn’t it have been you’. So does that mean I’m a bad person. A pathological liar? I really don’t know what to think. All I know is that today, I stood up to my families archaic view on emotion and mental health, I was emotionless and practical and I did what needed to be done for everybody. Then I came home, and the questions started. The conflicting thoughts and racing mind.

I hope they all get some sleep tonight, god knows they need it. I’ll be here if they need me, spiralling mind at the ready – Violet x