Help me…

I don’t know how much longer I can hold on for. How much longer I can fight the demon inside my head.

The last few weeks I have been plagued by images of my dad in that hospital bed. How long will this keep happening? How many more times do I have to relive those awful memories. My brain hurts, constantly from the strain of fighting to forget and remember all at once.

The intrusive thoughts have increased so much. I almost crashed the car yesterday. I’ve self harmed today. Its getting worse, getting deeper, more blood, more damage. It doesn’t satisfy me anymore. The relief it brings is temporary as always but it’s lasting for less and less time.

I can’t reach out for help. The demon tells me my friends are exhausted of me. It tells me that everyone is fed up of me. It says that I should be over this, that there is something wrong with me. That I’m going to feel like this forever.

I am physically, mentally and emotionally drained, all the time. I don’t see a future where I can be happy. I don’t see a future. My last attempt failed miserably, just some stitches and observation then sent on my way.

Pills aren’t working, they just make me feel ill. Cutting is never deep enough. I want to make it look like an accident so people aren’t affected by my suicide. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I have no help. My counsellor has gone. My doctor doesn’t want to listen to me. The mental health nurse keeps bailing on our telephone appointments. I can’t talk to family. Friends have been burdened for long enough. I feel like my brain might explode and I have no one to talk to about it.

September, just get to September, and hope that he calls. Pray that he calls and he can see you again and teach me how to save myself all over again. Please call me. Don’t forget about me. I’m here and I need help. No one else will listen, but I know you will.

Mental anguish causes physical pain, and boy do I feel it. I can’t function. I need help. But I can’t ask for it…. V