Ripple makers: It takes one to make one.

I didn’t choose to have mental health issues.
I didn’t choose to be abused by others.
I didn’t choose my circumstances.
For most of my life, choice hasn’t really been an option. Things have been done to me and for me.

I’ve lived almost a year with no one controlling me or abusing me and it’s felt alien and lonely. What did I do with this new found freedom? I chose to abuse myself. I harmed myself because others no longer did. I was so used to my normality being that of feeling oppressed, worthless, lesser, that I continued to feel like that. When things looked good, I self sabotaged, because things never used to turn out good for me. I learnt to not trust my judgement. I learnt to think of myself as undeserving of achievement, peace and success.

I’m currently in a pit of my making. It was so much easier to sit in the pit others put me in, because I’d grown up there, I’d lived there for so long and others had forced me to jump. The pit in which I now reside is one I dug. I took the leap into it with no one forcing me. Before, getting out wasn’t an option, there was always someone stood at the top waiting to push me back in. This time, I can just about hear the voices of a selected few, trying to work out a way to help me out. Those people’s words are causing ripples. They are rippling against the tide of years of negative living and thinking. I can feel the ripple starting in me. I need to climb out of this pit in order to feel the full effect. Its up to me this time.

I choose to fight. I choose to believe that this isn’t my lot in life. That my life has more to offer, both to me and to others. I know that some day in the future, I will use my experience in the pits to help others out of theirs. I need to dig deep and find a strength in me I haven’t had for a while. Right now I’m facing the dilemma that if I don’t pull myself out of this, my life is going to lose its meaning.

I’m discovering my passion, now I just need to find my voice. I need to scream to the people above that I’m trying, that I can hear them. Most of all I need to start believing that I am capable. I need to let go of all the negative thinking I’ve been conditioned to believe and strive to be the person I hope I can be. I know it isn’t going to be linear. There will be setbacks in life. I just need to cling to the possibilities and fight like I’ve never fought before.

This week has defeated me. It’s taken my comfort zone of self hate and crushed it with a harsh reality. I had my usual counselling session today and he explained the ripple effect. He’s a ripple maker. I want to be a ripple maker. No. I CAN make ripples…

Holding on to the vision that I will use my experience to pull others out of the pits. – Violet x